I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
