Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
