if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
