I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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