please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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