life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Let's get the cat blown out
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
