oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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