she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
