just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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