I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
