I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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