Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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