Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
