The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
