I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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