And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
