I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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