And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
