i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
