It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
