He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
