He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize