Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize