Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
