just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
