So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
is that a dick in a sweater?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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