I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
someone owes me an orgasm
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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