Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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