she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
