Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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