Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
