is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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