i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
