I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You ruined the universe
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
