I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
