I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
