I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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