I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
smell my finger.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
