she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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