Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
