Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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