Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
