And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
