these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm always down for nudity.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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