I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
