Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
