im holly from the hills drunk
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
