Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
