remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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