I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
