you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
