Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
