So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
