so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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