i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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