evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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