sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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