my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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