I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
