my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
