i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
